Since my focus has been left to my own control now, I'm faced with the harsh reality that is myself. Somebody who isn't very pretty in her own eyes, almost repulsive. My frame is so small, I'm just bones. I find myself disgusting. That's not saying people who look of the similar stature are the same, I just don't find myself appealing. It's been this way for awhile though I have never cared. Which now it goes the opposite way.
Glaring into the mirror I'm greeted by myself with my bones protruding. I pull my cardigan to cover it up more. The soft fabric warms me, but not enough to chase the chill bumps away. My mother has always kept the house cold, but it sticks out more just because it's raining today. The best way to greet the fall weather by getting your family sick because you won't turn the heat on, then again maybe I just need to buckle down and wear more clothes. The only exception to why I'm not wearing more is because this is all I have here right now, I haven't gone shopping in a really ridiculous amount of time. It's almost always been warm on campus, but for the past year I never really bothered going to my classes so I haven't endured the cold. During the colder months I stayed high, and in bed with Alix.
'Wow, what a whore.'
Clarification. I didn't sleep around willingly, I never had the itch for anything physical unlike him. I blame the drugs.
"Nee-ew, some guy is here for you!" Cyprian's annoying high pitched voice rang through the downstairs part of my room. What a shitty nickname though? Nee-ew. I would think an eleven year old could come up with a better insult. I continue to study myself in the mirror, before forcing myself to turn away and go down stairs. Well, Technically its not stairs? It's a ladder. Explanation, When Cyprian was born they gave him my room and gave me this weird one. It is pretty neat though, I have always though it was a mini apartment. That's how it felt anyways. It was always easy for me to shoot up in here, you always heard when somebody came in. It would either take them a moment to climb up, or they would just call me. It was very convenient.
Exiting the bottom portion of my room I'm met with the gaze of a familiar face. My face warms with a smile to greet Lucian.
"I thought you were visiting family today?" I ask leaning up again the frame of my door. Propping my foot up on the door to seem more relaxed, he shifted in his spot and brought his hand up to his neck to rub it.
"That was ideal until I got a call this morning that somebody vandalized the comic book store. We need to head back in the morning, or I can just go if you want to stay and rest more." he wore the stress on his face like a shield. I continued to smile at him.
"It's okay we can go, I'm ready to get busy with school to keep my mind off of this whole new change. When I rest it just gives me more time to waste going over it. I need something to do other than that. We could leave tonight if you wanted to. As much as I appreciate my parents generosity and the first time in forever them paying attention to me, I feel smothered."
Admitting it was easy, but possibly staying focused with my new goals is going to be interesting.
"Okay, so I'm going to go speak with my parents. Please feel free to wait in my room, or just roam around the house." Motioning towards my room.
"Please don't break anything." I said as he entered and sat down on my couch.
Making my way to the kitchen, I'm greeted by the sounds of my parents bickering.
"She's not special, you expect us to just drop everything for her? She did this to herself, Pierce. Nothing good will come of this.." My mother's words cut me somewhat deep, considering how they were there for me during treatment.
"I'll admit that I was wrong for what I said to her when I was angry, but only because I expected more from her. It can't be helped considering the situation we put her in. I avoided the fact that you made me neglect her in light of Cyprian, but do you see what neglecting her has done?! Pitching a fit in the past when I payed her attention, and not Cyprian isn't going to go over this time. No matter how bad it gets. I'm lucky enough to be the father to two beautiful children who had an amazing mother. You are severely misguided now though, and I'm not sure why. If you think I'll just stand by and allow you to keep poisoning Cyprian so he grows up thinking the world owes him everything you are wrong. If your father was here he would be so ashamed of how you have done Neah, and I know you weren't alone but I wont stand for this shit anymore. If you don't agree with my decison actually care for our child who acts right, then I know where the door is." His strong voice echoed through the room, followed by his footsteps coming through the door.
I'm greeted by his gaze, his face transitioned from looking pissed to being concerned.
Smiling slightly, I stepped forward and hugged him.
"I'll keep in touch, I promise, but I must return to school as soon as possible."
Memories of before seep their way back into my mind, his hugs have been absent for an incredibly long time. Squeezing me he nodded before letting me go.
"Please do what makes you happiest, I want a phone call every few days starting now. You can even text me too."
He smiled back at me before shooing me away from the kitchen.
"Mom's in a mood, I'll tell her you said goodbye."
I shook my head and exhaled with a grin before going back to my room.
Returning to my room I'm greeted by Lucian staring hard at his phone, before looking up at me.
"What's wrong?"
He shook his head, "We just need to go, please pack immediately."
As he said this I climbed back up and began to pack my things, which didn't take too long. Lucky me to come here with only a suitcase full of stuff.
Leaning over through my ladder opening I whistle trying to get his attention.
"Hm?"
"Suitcase please, I can't get it down by myself."
He gets up immediately, reaching up the ladder and grabbing it.
Being
let go from rehab released a tense weight on my shoulders whilst adding
even more. I felt happy and assured being supervised, but now I worry
slightly that I'll mess up and erase all the progress. I talked to some
of the patients who have been there multiple times about it and they
assured me that I would be fine. I am happier than I once was, but with a
nagging unhappiness in the back of my mind that brings me to a halt
when I do stuff. Making me go over this entire process with a fine
toothed comb and going over scenarios where I screw it up. I know one
day Alix's path will cross mine and it makes me fear what will happen,
he'll see that I'm changed and charm me into pissing it all away. Though
now I don't feel like I have an obligation to stand by him and please
him as I did before, he knows how to talk his way into people.
Since my focus has been left to my own control now, I'm faced with the harsh reality that is myself. Somebody who isn't very pretty in her own eyes, almost repulsive. My frame is so small, I'm just bones. I find myself disgusting. That's not saying people who look of the similar stature are the same, I just don't find myself appealing. It's been this way for awhile though I have never cared. Which now it goes the opposite way.
Glaring into the mirror I'm greeted by myself with my bones protruding. I pull my cardigan to cover it up more. The soft fabric warms me, but not enough to chase the chill bumps away. My mother has always kept the house cold, but it sticks out more just because it's raining today. The best way to greet the fall weather by getting your family sick because you won't turn the heat on, then again maybe I just need to buckle down and wear more clothes. The only exception to why I'm not wearing more is because this is all I have here right now, I haven't gone shopping in a really ridiculous amount of time. It's almost always been warm on campus, but for the past year I never really bothered going to my classes so I haven't endured the cold. During the colder months I stayed high, and in bed with Alix.
'Wow, what a whore.'
Clarification. I didn't sleep around willingly, I never had the itch for anything physical unlike him. I blame the drugs.
"Nee-ew, some guy is here for you!" Cyprian's annoying high pitched voice rang through the downstairs part of my room. What a shitty nickname though? Nee-ew. I would think an eleven year old could come up with a better insult. I continue to study myself in the mirror, before forcing myself to turn away and go down stairs. Well, Technically its not stairs? It's a ladder. Explanation, When Cyprian was born they gave him my room and gave me this weird one. It is pretty neat though, I have always though it was a mini apartment. That's how it felt anyways. It was always easy for me to shoot up in here, you always heard when somebody came in. It would either take them a moment to climb up, or they would just call me. It was very convenient.
Exiting the bottom portion of my room I'm met with the gaze of a familiar face. My face warms with a smile to greet Lucian.
"I thought you were visiting family today?" I ask leaning up again the frame of my door. Propping my foot up on the door to seem more relaxed, he shifted in his spot and brought his hand up to his neck to rub it.
"That was ideal until I got a call this morning that somebody vandalized the comic book store. We need to head back in the morning, or I can just go if you want to stay and rest more." he wore the stress on his face like a shield. I continued to smile at him.
"It's okay we can go, I'm ready to get busy with school to keep my mind off of this whole new change. When I rest it just gives me more time to waste going over it. I need something to do other than that. We could leave tonight if you wanted to. As much as I appreciate my parents generosity and the first time in forever them paying attention to me, I feel smothered."
Admitting it was easy, but possibly staying focused with my new goals is going to be interesting.
New changes for the better, learning things normal
people usually do sounds exciting, but stressful.
"Okay, so I'm going to go speak with my parents. Please feel free to wait in my room, or just roam around the house." Motioning towards my room.
"Please don't break anything." I said as he entered and sat down on my couch.
Making my way to the kitchen, I'm greeted by the sounds of my parents bickering.
"She's not special, you expect us to just drop everything for her? She did this to herself, Pierce. Nothing good will come of this.." My mother's words cut me somewhat deep, considering how they were there for me during treatment.
"I'll admit that I was wrong for what I said to her when I was angry, but only because I expected more from her. It can't be helped considering the situation we put her in. I avoided the fact that you made me neglect her in light of Cyprian, but do you see what neglecting her has done?! Pitching a fit in the past when I payed her attention, and not Cyprian isn't going to go over this time. No matter how bad it gets. I'm lucky enough to be the father to two beautiful children who had an amazing mother. You are severely misguided now though, and I'm not sure why. If you think I'll just stand by and allow you to keep poisoning Cyprian so he grows up thinking the world owes him everything you are wrong. If your father was here he would be so ashamed of how you have done Neah, and I know you weren't alone but I wont stand for this shit anymore. If you don't agree with my decison actually care for our child who acts right, then I know where the door is." His strong voice echoed through the room, followed by his footsteps coming through the door.
I'm greeted by his gaze, his face transitioned from looking pissed to being concerned.
Smiling slightly, I stepped forward and hugged him.
"I'll keep in touch, I promise, but I must return to school as soon as possible."
Memories of before seep their way back into my mind, his hugs have been absent for an incredibly long time. Squeezing me he nodded before letting me go.
"Please do what makes you happiest, I want a phone call every few days starting now. You can even text me too."
He smiled back at me before shooing me away from the kitchen.
"Mom's in a mood, I'll tell her you said goodbye."
I shook my head and exhaled with a grin before going back to my room.
Returning to my room I'm greeted by Lucian staring hard at his phone, before looking up at me.
"What's wrong?"
He shook his head, "We just need to go, please pack immediately."
As he said this I climbed back up and began to pack my things, which didn't take too long. Lucky me to come here with only a suitcase full of stuff.
Leaning over through my ladder opening I whistle trying to get his attention.
"Hm?"
"Suitcase please, I can't get it down by myself."
He gets up immediately, reaching up the ladder and grabbing it.
I
take one final glance at my old bedroom before going down. Seeing it in
a whole new light, I just want to throw everything away and start over.
Maybe another day, but for now it's time for me to go.
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